A Safe Place to Land
Today marks the anniversary of my “near death” initiation. Yesterday, my youngest daughter, a true healer and wise, old soul, graduated from nursing school. She and all the angels surrounding her, anchored me to this earth during my healing process, which began in 2001 and almost took my life in 2004. My other girls were in school, at the time, and she was home with me.
While in an incredibly weakened and fragile state, she would ever so gently, place me in the center of a circle of angels and play her guitar and sing to me. It was the purest love I have ever experienced, shy of my initiation into motherhood with all of my girls. It’s not a role I would want any child to have to play. She depended on me for her survival, and we were both rendered helpless in the face of this illness that almost took me out for good. Some say, we choose our missions, and if that is so, I thank God, she chose the one she did. She is one of the strongest, bravest, most compassionate souls I know, as are my older two children, who have their wounds from this whole healing process. I always say it took all three of them to anchor me to this earth, as I was determined to burn through so much lineage trauma in one lifetime, that sometimes it feels easier to just check out.
I have been doing some deep, deep, emotionally challenging healing work, and the gaping wounds are coming to light. It has been deeply challenging to witness and experience the pain associated with a lifetime of believing it is not safe to receive anything or really even to exist at all; a core wound and belief. I have carried this in my DNA for as long as I can remember. My paternal lineage dates back to the “Trail of Tears”. This, alone, explains a lot. Every choice I have made has come from this unconscious, now conscious belief. I have spent a lifetime determined to be that “safe place” for other people to land, without knowing how to give that to myself. It looks like self-abandonment for the sake of others. Time and time again, I would be that “safe place” for others’ who were not “safe” for me, and would have to start over, having never felt the safety, support, or true love I have desired for longer than I can remember. It has taken all the courage I can muster up, to walk through this part of my healing journey, experiencing this deep despair, while still showing up for clients, my mother, and my young adult children, during holidays where we are all grieving so much loss, already. I choose not to anesthesize my emotional pain, as this would detract from my overarching intention and desire to liberate myself into living from a deep sense of safety, and love, only I can access from within. What will flow organically from this deeper connection and sourcing from within will serve to cultivate the capacity to give and live more completely from this place. This is an unpopular approach and extremely emotionally uncomfortable, yet I am determined to use the gift of this life to free myself, my lineage, and others on this journey, from unconscious conditioning that keeps us from living our life and expressing our light to the fullest. This to me is the love and true healing I want to live and give from. This is my legacy. It is not pretty, it is not fun, it is not comfortable, it is not well received, yet it is why I feel I am here. I received a very powerful healing session yesterday, which helped me begin to integrate my “near death”initiation, all of those years ago. I didn’t realize the timing of my decision to do this healing work yesterday. It feels like something has come full circle.
My journey now is to become a safe place for me to land. It is the coming home to myself that will finally set me free, so I can finally taste the freedom of true safety, security, and love, and organically live and give from the TRUTH of who I am. This is the kind of love, security, and safety that can never be taken away, because it is sourced from who I truly AM, without all of the false beliefs and conditioning. My intention is that my “home coming”, will ripple out and become a beacon of light, love, and safety for others who have lost their way home to themSelves, so that we can all have a safe place to land, while we are on this earth.